Oh.
Transcript
Gillie: (ASL) Why??
Gillie looks back to her phone angrily. Idrisah walks closer, looking apologetically between Gillie and Idrisah.
Idrisah: Talita, it's a language that was never intended for your body. We won't judge you if you struggle to pick it up.
Talita: I’m going to judge myself.
Gillie sneers.
Gillie: (ASL) For what!? Not being a human??
Talita cringes as if she'd been struck.
She makes an admission as heavy as it is small.
Talita: Yes.
71 thoughts on “Runaway to the Stars: Page 179”
I.C.
Hey I cried a little bit ngl
The Opossum Witch
i don’t remember if i posted a comment here but godddd the WEIGHT of the SPEECH BUBBLE CASTING A SHADOW ON HER SHOULDER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
im going crazy im going crazy this is incredible
BigRiver
Ugh, the way they say it like it’s a totally ridiculous idea…which I mean, yes, objectively it is. The way I’ve obsessed over and hated my body because I’m fat is *also* totally ridiculous, yet also extremely predictable, given the society I grew up in. It takes so incredibly long to unlearn that kind of deep-seated bullshit, and Talita is more alone in this particular issue than most people are with their bullshit. This girl needs a cross-species adoptee support group, on the net!
gnome_artificer
That last panel hits like thud of sarcophagus lid, all at once and unmistakable. Damn Jay this was a knockout page.
Anax Imperator
So did I get this right?
Talita doesn’t care about getting into centaurs or their culture, both aspects which are part of herself and ultimately something that could help her overcome her dysmorphia or whatever it’s called. Neither does she care about working on her anxiety to find more closure with her friends, one of which is also not exactly human. Still, she doesn’t seek advice from other aliens who have been raised by humans, from humans raised by aliens OR at least seek councel.
I really can’t see any effort of hers to overcome any struggle at all but rather sulk in her own misery with all the possibilities of help and/or advice at her disposal. What a frustratingly weak mindset that results in her upsetting the only friends she has because she hasn’t made any effort.
Egg
Her behavior towards Gillie has been hard to watch (in a good way, this is a realistic scenario and great character writing) but I think this is a deeply uncharitable take. Culture is not biological and ‘centaur culture’ is not a part of herself, she was raised in the human Jovian culture. She can’t even be absolutely certain what ethnicity she is/what culture her birth parents belonged to. She has nothing solid to reconnect to. I don’t think it’s ‘not caring’, it’s more like ‘I have none of the information I’d need to even start, I consider myself on human terms, and the process of trying to integrate myself with centaurs purely on the basis that I biologically am one would be more alienating and soul crushing than what I experience within my own human culture’.
She does appear to have spent a long time wallowing in this, but we don’t have a good sense of how common aliens raised by different aliens are, whether there’s any useful support network available to people like her, whether any counseling accessible to her would be equipped to offer her valuable advice. It’s very natural that she would turn out this way, not a moral failing or laziness. Expecting her to communicate her insecurities instead of making excuses to blow off accommodating her disabled friend is more reasonable than expecting her to be winning a lifelong battle with cultural displacement and a type of body dysmorphia more profound than anything that exists irl.
Varyon
Talita hates reminders that she isn’t human. Trying to immerse herself in centaur culture would do just that, as does modifying ASL for her clearly non-human hands.
Of course, it should be noted that what is considered “human” in the setting is a lot broader than in our world, on account of all the genetic engineering humans have put themselves through. Gillie IS human, she just isn’t a member of the Typ clade, instead being a member of the Androtherian (specifically Catgirl) clade. However, “culturally-human alien” isn’t a human clade, so while Gillie is a bit of an outsider (being a “defective” Androtherian), she still is a human, but Talita is not.
That said, I think Talita should indeed make an effort to learn to sign. Not just for Gillie’s sake either – I feel facing the issue head-on, with support from her friends, will be helpful for her emotional state.
the Inmara
On top of all that has been said by the other commenters, this is still the beginning of the story.
This is one of the obstacles that Talita has to figure out how to overcome.
She hasn’t even begun to address this issue in herself. There’s plenty of time for that.
We don’t even know how long she’s known Gillie.
This kind of anxiety is typically so deep seated it takes years and years and active therapy for anyone to overcome it. And that’s after they recognize it’s a problem and start seeking help. Talita is coming to realize how big of a problem it is right now, in this scene.
Ruby
Also, there is just so much weight in that last panel. The way in which even the speech bubble shadows over her, with so much white space just for a brief, remorseful “Yes.”
Sen
I only noticed that on 3rd read. It is such a cool detail. ^^
Also it shows how powerful the medium of comics is. Just the style of the speech bubble conveuys so much.
Greebus
The speech bubble is literally weighing on her shoulders.
Ruby
And there it is. People really struggle to see that Talita is human first and centaur second.
bunnomaly
talita has been rude by avoiding gillie reaching out to her, but most rude actions arent due to intentonality. gillie has as the right to be upset talita has been avoiding to accomodate her, but with the added context she wont feel as hurt as she did. gillie likes talita, she cares about her, enough so to get her fancy imported food and accomodate HER. being disabled, shes used to being brushed aside and forgotten so when you find someone willing to reach you halfway, you have to cling to that. i think this will help lead to talita being more confident in herself. she’s led her whole life trying to make herself smaller for others, she needs support
Nethie
Aw Talita noooooo.
But I get it, she was raised among humans and probably felt that difference her whole life.
jude
local woman is the most real depiction of species dysphoria in comic history \o/
Gar G
“I’m going to judge myself”
Me with anxiety: Yes, exactly!
*sees Talita’s yes* Damn that hits hard… (I mean that’s basically her entire life really)
Rad Internet Stranger
Aww poor Talita.. Gillie doesn’t seem to quite realise how big a deal not being human is for Talita considering her expression. I hope she doesn’t laugh in our favourite Centaur Gal’s face!!
Varyon
I’d imagine that, being deaf, Gillie pays a lot of attention to body language and facial expressions when communicating, at least when she can, to try to figure out the sorts of context that’s missing when you can only read what someone is saying rather than actually hearing their tone of voice. While Talita’s body language isn’t the same as a human’s, Gillie has probably been around her long enough to pick up on a lot of it (plus with Talita having likely mimicked human body language as much as she can on account of being raised by them, it’s probably easier to pick up what she’s putting down than for a typical centaur). So she probably recognizes Talita’s pain from what she signed, and I’d imagine can identify more than a little with it, so laughing seems rather unlikely. But we’ll see.
Imp!
Gillie’s signing the word “human” in the fourth panel, where the signer gestures to themself… I feel like that rubs salt in the wound for poor Talita here….
Adrienne
Holy shit 😭
Peter Jensen
“This one looks ironic on me”:
https://www.tumblr.com/jayrockin/666752955492581376/gillie-helps-talita-adapt-the-asl-alphabet-and
Paroxysmall
…I only just realized the sign for human refers to the self. I knew Jay only designed the signs for (other) sophonts but I thought the sign for human was just referencing the breasts since none of the other sophonts have them. anyways i should learn ASL
thegriffin88
I get it. I have anxiety and after almost 40 years I’m still not happy that I can’t make a phone call to anyone but my family without steeling myself for a long uncomfortable process. Or that I can’t answer the door for more than 2 seconds. I feel like I should be able to do these normal human things, Even though my brain isn’t programmed correctly, so dealing with this will always be like going to the dentist. And NOBODY kicks my ass harder than myself.
hasel
I’m sorry these things are so hard for you, but at the same time, I’m glad to hear someone say it. Everytime I have to make a phonecall to a doctor or a mechanic or whatever I think ” Uggh I have to bother someone again??” I still do it, but I often think, I’m sure this is not hard to do for most other people and get a bit annoyed. But I know there are plenty other people who can relate, like I’m relating to you right now. And I wonder if this is just how it will be for the rest of my life. That I just have to deal with the discomfort, but go ahead anyway. Bonus points for not beating yourself up over feeling anxious.
Anyway I feel ya and hope your not kicking yourself too much.
Eux
the shading! goddamn! you used the comic style to add so much weight to the script its so goooooood. but also: damn. wishing a lot of healing for all of them lMAO i know its coming down the long barrel of the story but. OOUGH. OOF. OUCH.
SheTheTDE
Don’t judge yourself for not being human. Humans suck. They see something beautiful and their first thought it “how do I make this benefit me?” And the three most comon answers are mate with it, eat it, or turn it’s remains into something else. You are so much more beautiful than a human.
checkers
I have bad news for you about the propensity of nonhuman animals to act to benefit themselves and their most common behaviors when encountering a novel object
Adriennd
Exactly lmaooo. We’re not special
Joey
Very funny that the website assigned you a human avatar for this comment. It is a very human comment too, I think.
hurgaburga
it would NOT surprise me if thats how some other sophont species would act sometimes
Grim
And that’s why I’ve spent months now unsuccessfully trying to eat this webcomic. Wish I could figure out another way to engage with it, but I’m only human.
Stray Cat
On top of what othets have pointed out, I’ve seen hints that Talita, on some level, sees herself as a human in the wrong body. What if “don’t feel bad about not being human, humans suck” backfires and makes her feel worse?
SheTheTDE
Thank you. That’s a point I hadn’t considered.
enigmew
FINALLYYYYY not that i enjoy seeing either of the girls in this amount of emotional distress (except i kind of do. its super cathartic) im so so so glad that they’re finally talking about it. having followed this series on tumblr for a while before hand, i forget that this is the start of their relationship and they DONT know each other very well at this point! so having this moment where the social politeness of coworker friendship breaks through into a layer of genuine vulnerability… its about time. there’s no way that talita would have realized such a confident person like gillie would have felt like her avoidance of sign language would have triggered feelings of not being worth learning sign for. there’s no way that gillie or idrisah would have realized that talita was insecure about not being a human. hard conversations are so necessary to fully understand one another. im so excited to see this follow through.
Calypso
She takes up so much space but she’s curled herself up so small…
kaitie
Considering half of sign language is facial expression, I can’t blame her.
Chase Wanderstar
Yeah, I hate to say this on account of I know if Talita could see it it would make her feel terrible, but even after a lifetime of practice, it’s gotta be tricky to get the feeling right on some of the human facial expressions with that big ol’ wiggling sniffer in the way of the front of the mouth, not to mention that mouth containing a mouthful of such menacing chompers.
Stray Cat
I’ll assume Talita goes into more detail about “not being human” (the dysmorphia other commenters have mentioned) on the next page, so instead I’ll mention: this shows how big a hole Calcery’s departure left. From AMA entries we know that Calcery helped with Gillie’s communication (and I suppose I will admit that if this had been mentioned in-comic, it would give some extra context to this whole situation – but I understand if it’s too late to change that now. These things happpen). How else would it take years for things to hit this point – years for this conversation to have become necessary?
jaggedjottings
Maybe having Calcery around as another non-human, non-Avian sophont was helpful too.
zofifi
Girl! Aww 😭 Girl!
Kayjack
So all centaurs have a seasonal antler growth. Does that come with any emotional/psychological changes for either sex as well? Is this like a particularly bad time of the year to be going through this emotional strain for Talita? I know they are mainly for social signaling and not fighting but is their any vestigial heightened emotion response that accompanies it?
Jay Eaton
Not really. Antler growth in centaurs is not tied to sex hormone cycles as it is in Earth’s cervids. The only thing I can think of like that for them is pregnancy aggression. Thankfully, Talita is unlikely to ever need to deal with that kind of hormonal moodswing.
oh6
Yikes, straight to the point there, Gillie.
ttt
its called Deaf bluntness. it’s a cultural and context-rich communication style designed to give information as quickly and honestly as possible to others who are frequently stripped of that information and context by hearing society. as a result, Deaf culture is straight to the point and doesn’t value hearing culture’s longwinded or delicate ‘politeness’, which can come off as walking on eggshells to Deaf people. it can be culture shock for hearing people to encounter it!
hessian
really cool info, i didn’t know this!!
Marcie
The fact that they’re linguists might work against them. Talita doesn’t know if they see her as a friend or a potential science project. Is this an attempt at deepening their friendship, or are they gonna turn around and write a paper about her?
pelya
What even friends are for, if not for writing research papers about their struggles to learn their friends’ language?
Robin
Such potent body language in all these recent panels
Ave Zancuda
Beautiful
Apollo235
Jay, please give this woman a hug
NTLS
Okay wait a really cool detail is that the textbox casts a shadow on talita. i know this is an emotional moment but i thought that was cool
Sparky Lurkdragon
YES!! This has been my favourite part of this whole sequence since the Patreon reveals.
galmetallic
the SYMBOLISM
ttt
talita is also talking to a xenolinguist who speaks a language her body can’t produce. except talita has way worse baggage she needs to address and hasn’t for decades due to not having the emotional tools she clearly needs.
but yeah this kind of thing would be addressed in humans with therapy, medication, and normalization by meeting with others. but talita has resisted meeting other centaurs, *centaur-compatible food* is hard to come by let alone medication developed–which it probably hasnt been, considering how strict centaur society seems to be–and who knows about therapy, if talita has done it or if its helpful for centaurs. i wonder if movement therapy or accellerated resolution therapy or EMDR would be helpful for a centaur’s neurological/psychological makeup.
also note: no wonder gillie hates the app. she keeps having to look at it instead of being able to read body language and the careful microexpressions talita makes. that must be horrible, cutting off another channel of communication for her. i’d also feel gross pointing my phone at somebody all the time, especially if there were nothing i could do about it. it’s not like gillie can suddenly learn to hear or talk aloud.
Vinemaple
I keep forgetting that Talita and the Touati-Sharpes are “work friends,” even when they’re usually so easy around each other. We’ve heard in AMAs (suspiciously convenient ones) how Talita is stuck at that point I always get stuck with in my IRL: “Is this person really going to be my friend, or am I about to get hurt again?”
I guess I want to see them be besties so bad, that I overlook how they’ve never shared as much as they’re sharing now, because of Bip.
un_pogaz
I think it’s hard to explain in such clear-cut terms just how much dysmorphia work hard on Talita.
Really looking foraward of Gillie’s reaction to this revelation. And if Idrisah have already some pieces of this puzzle, I don’t think she ever imagined it would be that bad.
Vinemaple
I just realized (sorry, morning coffee brain) that the Touati-Sharpes interact with aliens all day, every day. It’s their job to deal with the cultural and linguistic gaps. It’s possible they haven’t yet internalized what growing up as the only one of her species, among Humans, has affected Talita.
HAL9000
and they’ve never interacted with a centuar other then talita before, so they have no idea just how deep her socialisation/species issues go. they dont realise she isnt a “normal” centaur
Zidane
love the detail of the speech bubble casting a shadow on talita in the last panel
Vinemaple
This is also one of the most alien poses we’ve seen Talita drawn realistically in. The twisted neck, the sideways eyelids making her nicitating membranes look like nicitating membranes, her facial integument all ruffled, her hand looking more than usually strange and clawlike, her trunk curled fully back over her closed mouth so it’s unclear where her voice is coming from, the extra detail in her nostrils… even the reflections in her eyes seem to remind us they’re protected by oil instead of mucus.
This is one of the most powerful things one can do, when one can draw the same character in such a wide range of detail. An artist can really hit their audience over the head with an emotional beat, this way. It’s the other side of the silly Idrisah faces. I’m so jealous, I’m still trying to figure out a *standard* way to draw my Qhantchiki.
40
Well you can’t just namedrop your little guys without showing them off!
Vinemaple
It will come. But I’m a visual art autodidact, without the expertise to back up my talent, and every image comes painfully slow, and all I have is paper, pencils, and ink. It’s also hard to believe anyone would care. They’re not like Jay’s meticulously designed masterpiece aliens.
Teod
She really really needs a hug. Regular hugs even. When was the last time she’s been hugged?
Vinemaple
It feels weird to admit this, but I think hugging a crying Centaur would feel really nice. I guess the object ought to always be to hold the person THROUGH their crying, and not to MAKE them stop crying, but I would still feel weird for enjoying the vibration rumbling through my entire body.
blythe
Im with gillie here ngl
sure it’s an explanation but almost certainly not a good reason to not try. if theres human signs adapted for *avian* hands a centaur can do it
Adrienne
Even going to a different country and learning to speak a language that pronounces words in ways you never have is intimidating… so I can only imagine what it’s like to be raised by a species where it’s physically impossible for you to ever fit in completely with anyone 🥲
K
I’ve seen in side comics where she’s not been allowed to participate in activities with other children due to being a centaur and instructors worrying about her strength. Now we’re seeing the effects of exclusion and living in a society that was literally not made for you. I want to give Talita a hug 🙁
Greebus
I like the shadow of the speech bubble on Talita’s body.
boxesofboxes
Op, there it is. We all knew it, but now the ladies do, too.
eterna
oooooouh the shadow under the speech bubble, all that space around a single word. the weight
Arcstone
Someone hug her. :c